Vampires, whips and 16bits

Throughout the years much has been much written about Konami’s wondrous Castlevania series (a boat load in all honesty). And for one instalment in particular there is very little that has not been said, no part of the game left upraised and no dimly lit Transylvanian corridor unexplored... I am talking of course about the legendary SNES offering; Super Castlevania IV. Even though this game has been pulled apart on innumerable occasions, it has not deterred me from adding my own two penneth’s worth into the mix.

Released in 1991 as part of the Super Nintendo’s first wave assault on the gaming landscape, Super Castlevania IV arrived on the scene carrying with it the heavy burden of reputation - the rabid love for its predecessors was a force to be reckoned with. Although on the face of it, seemingly not much more than a simple 16bit re-working of Simon Belmont’s original NES outing, it soon becomes apparent that the cosmetic Mode 7 upgrades are just the beginning of this vamp-tastic (yes that’s a word!) adventure. Konami unleash upon us an array of undead baddies, eerie vistas and demonic overlords that will test even the most intrepid of vampire hunters.

Once again the game focuses on the tale of the unfortunately named Simon Belmont and his quest to slay the biggest and baddest undead fiend of them all; Dracula. Belmont must navigate the vast labyrinths and mazes of his nemesis’ castle (as well its substantial ‘grounds’) and using his trusty whip, slay hordes of minions and generally kick arse along the way (there may also be some swinging involved...but thankfully not of the fruit bowl variety).

Visuals – 8.5 / 10 

In what is a rare occurrence for a Konami game, the graphics do not immediately blow you away and in fact for the first 20 minutes or so you could be forgiven for wondering what all the fuss was about. This is not to say the appearance is initially poor (far from it), the graveyards and outer reaches of the castle are immaculately drawn and ooze atmosphere, it’s just that it’s all a bit...brown, or maybe “earthen” is a better term. Though this does fit in with the gothic and chilling undertone of the game, it can feel a little samey.

Anyways, as with many of the finer things in life, once things get up and running you are treated to a Konami master class in how to how to “do graphics”. There is gorgeous use of parallax scrolling, seeing the night sky drift past the dilapidated walls is heaven for any 16bit fan! The sprites for the legions of evil creatures are beautifully drawn and then we get to the bosses which manage to put a decent amount of later Super Nintendo games to shame. From the delightfully translucent giant skull to the brutish take on Frankenstein’s Monster, these end of level titans are as jaw dropping in their appearance as they are in their difficulty.

And as was the way in the early 90’s, Super Castlevania IV takes huge advantage of the SNES’ (still mind boggling) Mode 7 trickery...leading to one of the most talked about and impressive scenes of the 16bit era. Yes, the chandelier bit is as good as everyone says it is...there is just something immensely satisfying about dancing over giant swinging light fittings! The scene’s cemented renown in gaming folklore is very much deserved.

Sound – 10/10

As any fan of the series can attest to, music is one of Castlevania’s strongest and most enduring features, and the SNES version is no different. It is well known amongst fans of the console that the Nintendo’s second grey box had the capacity to produce some quite staggering musical scores, so it is rather pertinent (to me at least) to say say that Super Castlevania IV’s is up there with the very best that the system has to offer.

The soundtrack is dark and foreboding – classic horror stuff and you could honestly be forgiven for thinking it was scored by an actual orchestra...on a cartridge! The use of organ (or the midi version of it anway) fits in perfectly well with the baroque style ambience of the game and adds a genuine feeling of darkness to each level you tackle. For my money, a video game soundtrack is only truly exceptional when I find myself listening to it outside of playing the actual game, this one has been on my iPod for a number of years now...and it will not be going anywhere soon.

Playability – 9/10

Once again here Super Castlevania IV starts off at leisurely pace, the first couple of sections are nothing more than an evening stroll around the castle grounds slaying a few slow moving monstrosities...this does seem trying initially but later on you realise that the period of familiarisation was actually a must. The gameplay is similar to earlier incarnations of the game but with some much needed improvements; Mr Belmont can now whip all around the place (or at least in eight directions as opposed to just four) which makes for some lovely diagonal action. The whip (aptly named ‘The Vampire Killer’) can also be held in front of the player and swung around like a flail; this inflicts less damage in exchange for much more frequent hits. An extra treat also comes in the form of sub-weapons such as daggers and axes which come in handy when the going gets tough.

Although controlling Simon initially feels slightly cumbersome, once you have the hang of it, the system feels very natural and then we get to Konami’s pièce de résistance: the whip can be used to latch onto and swing over various obstacles which allows you to reach otherwise inaccessible areas. Although this kind of thing seems standard today, it was revelatory stuff for the series and gives the game a much more fluid platform style flow.

Longevity – 8/10 

The game is stretched out over 11 magnificent and varied levels, cunningly each one is just that bit tougher than the last so you never feel like you've run into a wall of difficulty. Make no mistake though, this is a hard game and death is never far away. Even though you learn that certain jumps require super precision and certain enemies have a pattern you’ll probably use continues and become familiar with the password system. If you’re not skilled at the platform genre then making it to the end and besting this beast may be a tremendous test of patience. The game is best suited to committed folk looking for a challenge and a bit of exploration to go with their platform escapades.

Sadly the western releases of the game were blighted by the usual censorship shite that we had become used to. Dripping blood was replaced by green ‘slime’, certain religious crosses and removed and the obligatory topless statues were given some clothing to keep them warm...but even this overly nannied approach though does not detract from what is an awesome spectacle with tonnes of replay value.

Overall In more recent times, Super Castlevania IV has (in my eyes at least) been eclipsed by the nigh-on perfect Symphony of the Night for the PSX. Never-the-less it is still a veritable classic and one of the Super Nintendo’s flagship titles, whilst it does begin at a rather sedate pace and maybe lacks the initial wow factor of a Super Mario World or F-Zero, those willing to persist with it will find true quality the likes of which is all too rarely seen.

I am a long time fan of this fantastic game and, in this reviewer’s humble opinion it absolutely carries the torch for a time when video games were not only scaling new heights of technical excellence, but were also crafted with genuine heart and soul...something which seems sadly lacking in many of today’s releases. Super Castlevania IV is dripping in both class and charisma and although I dislike the phrase, it really is a tour de force that once again shows what Konami could achieve at their brilliant best...and when playing with Super power.

Go out right this minute and buy it!

Score 9 out of 10

Ding Dong...who’s there?!

A blue cat and the Hudson logo...happy days!

This week on FRG there was a bit of a cartoon theme in the air. Now we all know cartoons are awesome and are still the by far the greatest thing on television (after your games console of course), so this week’s batch of reviews were all to be of NES and Famicom games with cartoon origins. Obviously my immediate thoughts were: Duck Tales or Chip 'n Dale...job done right?! Wrong! I realised that my rather clever reviewer chums might have similar ideas, and that this would call for some outside the box (and indeed outside the country) thinking. So after a little deliberation I decided to go down the anime path and arrived at the slightly wacky but quite loveable Doraemon on the Famicom.

For those who aren’t familiar with this little Japanese icon; Doraemon is a robotic blue cat that travels back in time from the 22^nd century to help out young children (as you do). Created in the late 60’s by the Fujiko Fujio partnership, his cute appearance was used to help educate the (young) audience on the importance of strong moral values such as honesty, courage and respect for the environment.

This particular title is one of the earliest Doraemon video games and was developed by (the now sadly defunct) Hudson Soft in 1986. The objective is to rescue Doraemon’s kidnapped friends who are being held captive by some baddies...I guess. This is achieved by besting the game’s three distinctly different sections, each of which was apparently designed by a different person. This somewhat clever concept makes for some very interesting contrasts in gameplay and adds a respectable slice of variety to the overall game.

Oh by the by, for anyone curious about the title of the review; Ding Dong is the name Doraemon goes by in China!

...erm...the title screen...sorry

Visuals – 7/ 10

Though never likely to challenge graphical juggernauts like Kirby’s Adventure and Little Sampson, Hudson did a thoroughly decent job with Doraemon’s graphics. The sprites are clear and well drawn and although some of the backgrounds do look a tad dull at times, the robotic feline hero and the slew of bad guys stand are a cute sight to look upon.

Each chapter opens with a bizarre (and quite possibly drug inspired!) scene...it kind of reminds me of a pinker version of the Twilight Zone or something, anyways...it has to be seen to be believed. There are lots of wonderfully neat touches scattered through the various levels, such as Doraemon’s expression...he looks really sad(!), this attention to detail helps the game to stand out amongst the hordes of other mascot driven titles in the Famicom universe.

 There are also some rather pleasing (if very blatant) “homages” shall we call them, to some of the video game world’s more famous citizens: the turtles in the water level look suspiciously similar to the henchmen of a certain Bowser and I’m sure that I’ve seen that big octopus skulking about in Miracle World before! Anyways, it all looks attractive enough and is wrapped up in that oft seen Famicom glow, which we all love so dearly.

The Twilight Zone...Famicom Style!

Sound – 8 / 10

Portions of the soundtrack will be comfortingly familiar to anyone who has seen the Doraemon cartoons, and it is lovingly presented in beautiful 8bit midi. The joviality of some of the audio fits in well with the game’s main character as well as its colourful appearance.

The background music really is one of my favourite aspects of this game, and it has an almost Taito like quality to it. The tunes bury their way into your head so that hours after you finish playing you’re still humming away...I found myself doing this when I was brushing my teeth at night! Doraemon is another shining example of just how addictive and important video game music can be when done well.

Doraemon's face... hilarity!

Playability – 7 / 10

While Doraemon does not boast any revolutionary gameplay (and in truth, borrows quite heavily from other Famicom titles!), what it does have is solid, and well structured. As previously mentioned, the game is split into three chapters, each of which boasts a different style of play.

Chapter one plays a little bit like The Legend of Zelda; using a top down view with an adventure feel to it, there are also some 2D platform mini dungeons (makes me wonder if Nintendo where watching when planning Link’s Awakening). This part of the game is pretty standard fair, but is possibly the most arduous as you have no real idea of where to go!

Chapter two heads down the SHMUP route and plays in a fashion akin to Gradius, and R-Type with a little bit of vertical 1943 action chucked in for good measure. For my money, this was the most appealing part of the entire game, and my favourite part is the way Doraemon flies using a little helicopter blade on his head...hilarious stuff.

Chapter 3 takes place underwater and again borrows significantly from the Mushroom Kingdom’s finest. This is probably the nicest looking segment of the game and makes quality use of the Famicom’s capabilities.

Each level is ended by taking on and defeating the obligatory end of level boss, again this is standard pattern recognition stuff...just with the difficulty ramped up a level...or 10!

SHMUP-tastic!

Longevity – 7 / 10

Doraemon is a classic example of the kind of game that appears to be cutesy and easy but then actually turns out to be a complete ball breaker to finish! The fact that you are given no steer at all on where you need to go or what you need to pick up makes for a lot of trial and error...not to mention dying. There is also a touch of Zelda about it in the way that once you are out of range; all enemies will re-appear...this certainly can make things interesting and although it can become a touch tiring, it’s not enough to spoil the game. In fact the challenge kept me coming back for more; the seemingly random exits and power-ups hark back to the days before gamers were told where to go at every turn.

While I was doing a bit of research on Doraemon I stumbled across a YouTube video of someone speed-running the entire game...it took him just 12 minutes and 59 seconds. At first I was disappointed that the game could be despatched so easily, but after watching it a few times it seems the person is either (freakishly) fantastic at the game or uses some sort of über cheat code to get through it unscathed...either way don’t let it fool you, this game is far from easy. It won’t last weeks but provides a more than adequate challenge.

Platform fun is not forgotten here...

Overall

I’ll come clean now; I’m a complete sucker for games based on anime or manga so I was probably always going to like this one. But even if you’re not a fan or haven’t heard of Doraemon there’s still plenty to like about the game, it’s challenging, well made and fun. And while it comes nowhere near to toppling the titles it “borrows” ideas from, there’s enough variation there to keep most gamers satisfied. Weirdly the game did receive a fan translation but to be honest there’s so little text present that you could easily plough through the original Japanese version with no problems.

Oh...and like I said, Doraemon is a blue robotic cat from the 22^nd century. You can’t argue with that now can you!

Score

Score 7 out of 10

The SNES Knight Rises

Greetings friends! I've recently been moonlighting on another site writing the odd review. In a scandalous turn of events I've decided that I'm going to dual publish everything I review, so without further ado (ah, a rhyme!)...

The prelude to awesome...

I know I know...more Batman!

It does seem like the guy is absolutely everywhere at the moment. However the current hyperbole surrounding the Caped Crusader does give me the perfect excuse to talk a bit about one of his most highly regarded forays into the video game world: Batman Returns on the Super Nintendo.

Developed by the magicians at Konami back in 1992/93, Batman Returns is essentially a scrolling beat-em-up based on the movie of the same name...think Final Fight but with Keaton, Pfeiffer and DeVito replacing Cody, Hagger and Guy! The story goes something like this: maniacal business tycoon Max Shreck has formed an unholy alliance with The Penguin and Catwoman, together the three plan to bring Gotham to its knees (just for a change). As the heroic Dark Knight, you have to punch, kick and swing your way through a menagerie of baddies on the snowy streets to save the day. As it is commonly known, movie/game tie-ins are notorious for being, well...a bit cack really, but thankfully Konami bucked the trend here in a big way.

Konami + Super Power = amazement

Visuals – 9/10

As with the majority of Konami’s SNES offerings, the graphics on show are nothing short of divine. The game opens with a quite stunning intro sequence that shows off some swanky digitised stills from the film, amazingly Michelle Pfeiffer manages to look enticing even when displayed in 16bit!

The in-game sprites (both major and minor characters) have a chunky and well designed look about them. The entire game is fantastically animated and manages to move with a fluidity that is quite astounding given that it was one of the earlier titles to be released on the SNES. There is also some decent use of parallax scrolling within the levels, coupled with lush backgrounds and lighting effects (check out the Christmas tree for instance) to really turn heads.

The baddies are refreshingly original if a bit weird in places (giant skulls riding motorbikes anyone?), the mixture of clowns, jugglers and American Indians (nope, I have no idea either) makes a nice change from the stock street punks seen in the likes of Double Dragon and Undercover Cops. The end of level bosses; Catwoman in particular are sights to behold, and I actually found myself a couple of lives down from admiring them too much.

Parents queueing outside Toys r Us?!

Sound – 8/10

In the world of the scrolling beat-em-up, soundtracks are often left dripping in uninspiring or horribly cheesy background music. Happily Batman Returns brings to the table an epic rendition of Danny Elfman’s original movie score which not only belies the age of the game, but brings with it a real sense of that comic book atmosphere and this fits in perfectly with the gritty charm of Christmas in Gotham. Fans of the movie will instantly recognise signature melodies, and Konami’s use of the SNES’ quality sound chip set up is impressive to say the least.

The game is heavily loaded with some very satisfying sound effects; there are lots of hefty sounding thuds and cracks to let you know that bones are being crunched and heads are being cracked, these effects add a great deal to the game and are genuinely (and perhaps worryingly) realistic!

Or more likely squeal, as you punch her face in!

Playability 9/10

This where Konami really have pulled out the stops, Batman Returns plays like a dream. The brawling is right out of the top drawer and even gives the mighty Streets of Rage II a run for its money. Along with regular punches and kicks, the Dark Knight can also play a bit dirty by grabbing two enemies and cracking their heads together (rewarding) or even by throwing them at the wall or through windows...which is a wonderful touch (and immensely rewarding!).

The mandatory energy sapping special attack is also present and correct; a nice looking swing of the cape will take out all nearby enemies when things get a bit lairy. And of course, this being Batman there are a few elaborate gadgets to be called upon: the batarang, which stuns the crims for a couple of seconds allowing you to get the drop on them, and the batrope, which is ace for getting out of tight (and sometimes on fire!) spots. The last of these toys are the ‘test tubes’, loosing one of these bad boys unleashes a smart bomb effect and obliterates everything (normal) on screen...he’s nothing if not tooled up.

The two bones of contention I have with the gameplay are the slightly cheap boss fights, which can take up a good deal of your ‘test tubes’ and lives without you making much of a dent in their health bars, and the Batmobile section. It’s not that it’s terrible, the roads of Gotham look acceptable and the whole thing moves along at an ample pace, but it does just lack the polish that rest of the game displays so readily...to be honest, it’s a relief when it’s over and you get back to stoving heads in!

Insert Batfink joke here...

Longevity – 8/10

Unlike many scrolling beat-em-ups of the day, Batman Returns is actually pretty tough to beat, and should keep most players busy for a while...especially if you play it on the ‘mania’ setting which is completely mental! The boss fights alone can easily cost you a few lives, and while they can be a bit cheap, it’s nothing that’ll drive you to smashing the controller. The pick up and play appeal of this kind of game give serious relay value and I found myself playing it right the way through a couple of times.

The only thing that does slightly hamper the life of the game is the lack of two player mode. I know this is a bit harsh because the source material doesn’t really allow for one, but as any brawler fan can attest, stalking the streets and dishing out vigilante style justice is always more fun with a friend.

Christmas cheer...Gotham style

Overall

The bottom line is that Batman Returns is an absolute gem of a video game. For my money it is the best example of the scrolling beat-em-up genre on the SNES (outside of Japan at any rate), and probably the best Batman game I’ve ever played. It boasts glorious graphics, a wonderful soundtrack and has the charm and panache to rival even some of Nintendo’s own first party offerings. For anyone who is bored of Final Fight and Rival Turf or just wants a better SNES alternative to the Streets of Rage series then Batman Returns could and probably should be the game for you.

With this title Konami showed early on that their reputation as one of the Super Nintendo’s top developers was very much justified. And although a myriad of alternative ports of the game were released on a variety of other formats (Mega Drive, Amiga NES etc), it is the SNES title that remains the seminal instalment, and as such it would make a worthy addition to any retro collection.

Score

8.5 out of 10

Cross pollination

Big news on today on Crystal Blue Dreams! Well maybe not that big, but worthy of a post at any rate.

I have joined the very talented team of writers on the books of up and coming website: Future Retro Gamer. My main focus will be on writing retro reviews and over the next few months I will be aiming to contribute a good number of articles on games for a variety of systems.

Fear not though avid readers! I have absolutely no intention of abandoning this site, and you can expect some decent updates at (hopefully) regular intervals. As I don't tend to write reviews in their purest form here, FRG gives me a chance to try my hand and see if I can cut down the waffle a bit!

Anyways, if you're interested then please have a read of my first review for the site (it's a beauty of a game)...comments and feedback are welcome both there and here.

A Trifecta of Tragedy

Greetings one and all.

Seeing as this is my first proper post in what feels like a very long time (more on why at a later date), I find it strangely apt that I am writing this in honour of what can only be described as, a monumental occasion in the gaming calendar. 

To help celebrate the inaugural Review a Bad Game Day put together by the marvellous folk over at 1 More Castle, I've decided delve into the murky (and sometimes turd filled) waters of yesteryear. This whimsical journey will take us back in time to some of video gaming's golden eras, and remind us that sometimes not even the most rose tinted of spectacles are enough to blur out some of the cataclysmic mistakes of the past. 

During the next few hundred words or so, I will be taking a look at three of the most notorious and disgraced video games from my youth. Now it’s worth me pointing out that, until quite recently I had never played (or even dreamed of playing) any of these godforsaken monstrosities, and all three were chosen specifically for the severe amount of flak they received from magazines in the 90's. Will a mature pair of eyes allow me to see these games in a positive light? Read on to find out...

NB - All scores are being given in good old fashioned magazine style percentages...because it's just better that way!

Right, let's get to it:

Pit Fighter (SNES)

We start in glorious 1993, when the still young (in the UK at least) Super Nintendo was busy making it's mark on the gaming landscape. Stellar titles such Super Mario World, F-Zero, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past had gamers up and down the land purring with delight...apart from those of a Mega Drive persuasion!

Also around this time, Atari's rather fun and flamboyant looking, arcade brawler; Pit Fighter made the jump from cabinet to console...destination: SNES. To be honest, I'm not sure exactly what happened here, but something (namely the entire game) seems to have got lost in translation.

I might as well come out with it right away: this game is fucking awful. And I don't just mean the regular Duke Nukem bad; we're talking full on Ebola virus bad here. It's so grim that I'm still unsure it should even be classed as a 'game', but anyways...

Visuals

Anyone familiar with the arcade version of Pit Fighter will probably remember it looking rather impressive back in the day, it's use of live actors and blue screens to achieve a quasi-realistic look was quite notable. So when you consider the level of graphical prowess available on the SNES, it wouldn't have been too optimistic to expect a decent portion of this detail to feature in the home port...but oh dear. I'm being totally truthful when I say that Pit Fighter on the SNES would be put to shame by the majority of average NES titles, let alone the likes of Street Fighter II and Dead Dance.

To start with, the fighters look (for all the world) like the developers just dumped some skin coloured blobs into the game and then gave them different coloured trousers so you could tell who you were controlling. With so little detail present, it can get difficult to work out what's going on. To make matters laughably worse, the game seems to posses about 5 frames of animation...that's not 5 frames per second, just 5 in total. I actually thought it was a defective copy, and it's not unusual to witness your character going from standing totally still to something like an axe kick in one frame.

This graphical wizardry (phnar phnar) is also present within the scores of crowds that gather to watch your epic battles. For some reason, they all seem to move as one ugly brown mass...it really is depressing. In fact the only break you receive from the brown onslaught seems to be when a player is defeated, when for reasons unbeknownst to me he turns a stony grey. Almost like you've cast Petrify on him...only you haven't because unfortunately this is not Final Fantasy, it's a piece of dog shit called Pit Fighter.

Check out this 'digitised' powerhouse I've chosen

Sound

Further plumbing the depths of despair is the Pit Fighter soundtrack, which predictably is terrible. This is an achievement of some note considering there isn't actually a single sound played until you select your character (once again I thought the game was broken!) and are greeted by a ridiculous cry of "HUH". Once the bout begins things degenerate further still, with an decidedly rank bit of slap-bass that seems to loop about every 15 seconds or so. We all know that these were tough times and 8Mbits of storage is not much, but come on!

Playability

Game play is where Pit Fighter really gets into it's demonic stride, and manages to serve up the worst user experience that I can think of. You choose from three fighters, each of which is supposed to have the obligatory strengths and weaknesses, and then you find that none of this makes the slightest difference to the game in any way. You are immediately thrust into a match with a hooded bad guy called 'The Executioner', this guy basically pummels you with one of three moves until you die...this happens a lot.

Getting slammed in the very first fight is annoying enough when you have no real clue what is going on, but every time you are defeated, it's back to the title screen...via the Game Over screen, which you will become achingly familiar with. To make things just that little bit more arduous as well, if you do manage to fluke a victory, your character does not have his energy replenished between matches. Yep, you have to go through the entire game on one bar...further evidence of how broken and unbalanced this thing really is.

I don't feel that I have enough words to adequately convey just how rotten this game is. The controls are a total joke; pressing one button seems to unleash three completely different moves?! There is next to no collision detection, sometimes you strike your opponent, other times you don't...it seems to be up in the lap of the gods. And when you finally do get the hang of what's going on, you quickly realise that most opponents can be bested by constantly hammering the A button with a bit of backing off now and again. This tactic will see you fly through the game.

I also have no idea why they decided to exclude the arcade's magnificent three player mode, but I get the feeling that even that would have made no difference in saving this game, so they probably thought "why bother?"

The screen I became most familiar with

Longevity

In a nutshell there isn't any...

Seriously, once you had played this game for about ten minutes or so I can promise you would never ever want to come back to it. Pit Fighter has no redeeming qualities, and is abominable even with a friend along for the ride. To rub salt to an already gaping and gangrenous wound, when it was released in 1993, THQ decided to charge £45 a copy! Just to put that into some sort of perspective, that is the same as Super Probotector and Final Fight...outrageous.

Overall score: 8%

Time Cop (SNES)

Our next stop is 1995, and whilst the SNES was cementing itself into the hearts of gamers with the likes of Secret of Mana, Super Metroid and Killer Instinct; a small company called Cryo were busy beavering away on a gaming semi-sequel to the lacklustre film; Time Cop (starring the Muscles from Brussels: Jean Claude van Damme).

Video games based on movies were certainly not a new concept back then, and on the whole were usually dire affairs, created to squeeze a few extra green-backs out of the latest craze. Time Cop sought to right this wrong by giving the player an exciting look into a (yet again) digitised and PC inspired future.

The thing is though, what they actually gave us must surely rank as one of the most dreadful action platform games ever created.

Visuals

To be fair, Time Cop's graphics are actually not that bad, and while they never trouble the silky delights of Donkey Kong Country, they certainly don't sink anywhere near the level of George Foreman's KO Boxing. The game's characters are surprisingly well animated, and they run, jump and fight with a grace and fluidity that defies the rest of this rotten game. Unfortunately, making the sprites look this attractive seems to have taken up the majority of the game's memory because every baddie looks totally identical. Couple this with the fact there is no transition animation between actions (for example: walking to shooting) and you quickly get an idea of the path Time Cop is headed down.

The backgrounds range from dull brown warehouses, through to some average looking alley-ways all the way to the sea bed. While none of it is particularly bad, it is also never anything other than functional it does seem to repeat faster than the backgrounds in a Top Cat cartoon.

Unfortunately, some semi-pleasing character animations can't save Time Cop from looking like Lester the Unlikely's slightly more serious cousin. It's attempt to mimic the PC craze of realistic digitised graphics, leave it looking uninspired and hugely bland...it is almost as if the developers got to a certain point and then suddenly realised that they lacked that all important ingredient we know as talent.

In the future, all will be swathed in luscious brown

Sound

When Time Cop was released, the Super Nintendo was home to a multitude of sumptuous gaming soundtracks. Composers such as Koji Kondo, Yasunori Mitsuda and Nobuo Uematsu had set a very high bar and shown just what the console could do...it's just a shame that all three of them must have been busy on the day the Time Cop team called them for some much needed assistance.

It is not that Time Cop has a diabolic soundtrack or anything, but the majority of it is about as memorable as wallpaper paste, and when it does try to stand out, it's for all the wrong reasons. The first level throws up some sort of pseudo dance (bad even in the 90s) track with a vile, cheesy voice shouting "FBI" and "Get on it"...it's horrendous stuff. I can't help but think they should have just left the game devoid of music, it may have made more of an impact...oh, and freed up some valuable space for the graphics.

Playability

As any gamer worth their salt could tell you, action games of this ilk are defined by how they play and feel. The ability of the game to excite and test you is paramount, and though Time Cop certainly does test you (and your patience); it is for all the wrong reasons. It's hideous collision detection, and weird lack of reach from the main character are somehow just very wrong and further add to the feeling that this game was developed by idiots, most likely drunken idiots.

The game never once threatens to thrill or captivate you in the way that a Konami, Treasure or Capcom offering would, and in fact, this only serves to remind us just how far behind the greats, companies such as Cryo actually were.

Once again, I find myself struggling to put across in words just how poor this game is...it brings shame to Jean Claude van Damme, that's how bad!

By a long way, THE only fun bit in the entire game

Longevity

As with Pit Fighter, there is very little incentive to ever revisit Time Cop (which is cause for celebration, trust me). It's one of those games that leaves you wondering how it ever made it out the testing phase, and further makes a laughing stock out of the Nintendo Seal. It is dull, annoying, tedious, unfair, shallow, boring, monotonous, slow and only slightly preferable to eating glass.

Luckily Cryo beat a hasty retreat from the realm of the SNES and never returned...the world was a far better place for it. And I think it speaks volumes when I say I'd rather watch the Time Cop movie ten times on the run, than play this game for just ten minutes, a strong statement but a true one!

Overall score: 12%

War Gods (N64)

The final destination on our miserly mystery tour sees us enter the heady days of 1997, where Nintendo's newly launched N64 had been causing a noticeable furore...for reasons both good and bad.

Whilst the system effortlessly pushed out some of the most significant video game offerings of the decade, legions of N64 owners were left starved of a flagship 3D fighting game to rival the 32bit gladiators; Tekken and Virtua Fighter. To make matters more sour, PSX and Saturn fans could point to sizeable stables of sensational brawlers, whereas loyal Nintendo fans had to make do with mediocre offerings such as Mace: The Dark Ages and Bio Freaks (the less said the better).

So, step up Midway and their ambitious port of gore filled arcade smash; War Gods...

Visuals

I still remember seeing War Gods in the arcade and being quite impressed by the look of the thing, although it lacked the finesse of Soul Edge and the polish of Street Fighter EX, it was still striking and the (outrageous) trademark Midway blood and guts was difficult to ignore.

Having seen just what the N64 could do in the right hands (usually Nintendo, Rare and Konami), I was convinced that War Gods would look at least passable when it was ported over to the 64bit beast...but as we all know, "passable" never really happened, in fact it only just about managed poor. What we got instead was shocking character models that seemed to (inadvertently) skulk about like zombies from Resident Evil, a terrible frame rate and a mystifying lack of detail in each of the quite frankly absurd "deities". This lack of detail does serve to hinder the effect given off by some of the (quite humorous) fatalities...for instance not being able to tell what limb you've just ripped off your opponent is a bit of a letdown.

Unforgivable when you consider this was on the console that gave us Goldeneye...

This is similar to what I did in real life, after playing War Gods

Sound

While it's quite difficult to forget that War Gods is an abomination, one of it's major (and very few) plus points is the soundtrack and FX. The music tracks are some of the better examples from the N64'a catalogue, and in truth belong in something much more accomplished. There are plenty of hearty screams and bone crunching sound effects too which are good for a chuckle if nothing else. The voice acting is also spot on, with the announcer being the best of the bunch.

Playability

Here's a big shock for you, War Gods has none...ok, it has a bit but not much, and what little there is, will never trouble a proper fighting game. The game is horrifically unbalanced, to the point where one opponent my destroy you five times in a row, and then the next three you can smash without breaking a sweat. This lack of natural progression only adds to what already feels like a rushed and unfinished game.

Admittedly, War Gods is not helped by the standard N64 controller, which however you look at it, just wasn't designed for fighting games of any kind. However this is not enough to excuse it's completely abysmal control system, and the inclusion of a Virtua Fighter style '3D dodge' button adds nothing to the party, other than bringing about a sort of strange and retarded dancing mini-game. It's certainly not what you would expect to see Paul Phoenix and co doing.

A hostile takeover of McDonalds in action

Longevity

The one thing which War Gods has going for it, is that it's a bit daft and when you get into the two player mode, it can be a laugh for an hour or so. Although it's nowhere near the standard of Tekken, Fighting Vipers or even Fighter's Destiny, you can have some fun brawling with the ridiculous characters and watching the comedy fatalities is genuinely funny (but in that "not meant to be" kind of way). As you probably guessed though, this smidgeon of fun does not last too long and it won't be long before War Gods is given away to charity or sold on eBay in the hope that some curious or sadistic soul takes it off your hands.

The most disappointing aspect of War Gods on the N64 is that is that it's shite...erm, so I guess then that the second disappointing aspect of War Gods on the N64 is that with a bit more effort and attention to detail, Midway could've had a decent game on their hands. As it stands though, you can't help but feel they had the goal gaping and still managed to miss.

Score: 26%

The verdict

Happily the arduous expedition which has seen us take a look at some truly depressing excuses for entertainment is close to an end. And I can safely say, I would rather endure root canal than spend another moment with any of these cartridges.

Being something of a Nintendo (and in particular a SNES) fan-boy, this was always going to hurt. All three of these games are nothing short of abysmal, and I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who shelled out for them at full price when they were originally released. But, while all the animals are equal, one is more equal than the others...and that one is Pit Fighter!

A truly deserving victor, Pit Fighter is not just the worst game on the Super Nintendo, but by far the worst game I have ever had the misfortune to play. I can only hope that this review saves just one person from ever experiencing it's ghastly horrors.

Thank you for sticking with me through this most seedy jaunt, I sincerely hope you are not too shaken by the sights witnessed today! Be sure to head over to the Review a Bad Game Day website for further tales of despair.

About the reviewer: 

My name is Paul; I'm 30 years old and have been playing video games since the days of the Commodore 64. In gaming terms I am happily stuck in the 90's, where I spend my time deep in obscure Super Famicom RPGs and bizarre 2D fighting games. Follow me on Twitter for ramblings about Hori controllers, an unhealthy love for SNK and general retro chit-chat.

Crystal Blue Dreams - an update

Greetings to anyone who reads this blog or is visiting for the first time. As you may be aware, it has been some time since I last posted anything on the site...this is due to not very interesting personal reasons which I will not dwell on here.

The good news is that Crystal Blue Dreams is back...and so am I! I've no idea how often new content will be added or just what format it will be in, but I will do my best to ramble on about gaming related topics, just as I have done previously.

The first new post will be a special piece to help celebrate a wonderful and quite awful occasion: Review a Bad Game Day. For my part I will be looking at some of the most terrible games that I could think of, and letting you know exactly how bad they are...just what are these games? Well, you'll need to keep checking back regularly...or you could wait till 08/08/12 when Review a Bad Game Day is officially taking place!

Anyways, until then...